I’m trying to be better each day than I was the day before. Towards that end, I got right out of bed today and went down to Mission Bay Park for a morning jog. It was fairly crowded put it was nice to be down there. I’ll be back down there in a few hours.

Also, I spent some time listening to that SD book. The chapter was about problem-solving. He talked about how, when a problem arises, the first reaction of many people is to get angry and blame someone. That rang a bell, to say the least. I’m sorry. He talked about what a waste of time that is and, really, the mature reaction is to stay calm and think about solutions first. This is definitely something I need to work on because this is one of my great short-comings. i am at my worse when I’m in crisis and I don’t want to be that way anymore.

This being along shit is hard on me. I break down and cry a lot - any time Mary and the kids pop into my head. A tear is streaming down my face just from writing that sentence. I miss the so much I want to die. The dogs too. Ugh.

But I gotta keep going. Keep my mind on myself. I really need to get on the ball and get an apartment. Seriously, though, the thought of doing it kills me. Meeting some fucking stranger all by myself. Having to explain that I’m going through a divorce. Holy shit. I don’t want to cry in front of a stranger. It’s bad enough that happened in front of Amanda.

Anyway, I really REALLY want to get in shape too. I tried to see how many pushups I could to today and it was pathetic. I don’t even want to admit how many I did before my muscles said “fuck no.” (9 1/2) Embarrassing. Things have got to change.