I worked from my dumpy apartment today. It was still pretty much an empty room. My cheap Walmart couch showed up. After I snapped it together, it seemed a little more like an actual living space. I still have to get a dresser and a TV. That’s probably tomorrow.
After work, I went and got an oil change. I also had them change a few filters, rotate the tires, and replace the wiper blades. I want it to be good to go if Choppy decides she wants it.
Then I went to Target to get some things I need for the apartment. I thought it was going to be fun. I remember how fun it was to take Daniel and Riley shopping at Target for their apartments. It wasn’t fun. It was actually really fucking depressing. It made me unreasonably sad. So much so that I had to control my emotions at the register. I let it go when I got back here. I don’t want to be here. I want to be home. I guess this is my home now.
And there’s not much hope for me. Even if Mary and I continue our hookups, the way she treats me in front of the kids is how she really feels about me. She doesn’t treat me like that to protect the kids. She does it because we’re not a couple and she wants the option to walk away at any moment. I can’t blame her for it and I don’t but, holy shit, it doesn’t feel good. Oof.
I had a training this week called “The Outward Mindset.” I was dreading it because it was a soft skills training that started at 7 and went 3 hours. When I logged on, there were three other people on and they were speaking Dutch. I almost dropped but I’m glad I didn’t. There were a bunch of other people who were supposed to show up (including the big girl) but it turned out to be just the 4 of us the whole time. The training was all about, basically, how being selfish (inward thinking) is counter-productive. It also presented a pretty good model for problem-solving. The whole time, I just kept thinking, shit, I wish I’d taken this training a couple of years ago. That’s life, I guess.
Ugh. I have to get some lamps in here. I hate bright overhead lighting. Hopefully, this place will feel more like home by tomorrow night. I guess we’ll have to see.