I went to Mary’s house tonight to spend time with Isabel. I loved seeing her and listening to her talk about what’s going on with her. She seemed very confident. It really made my heart soar. I’m so proud of her. Suzie too. I almost didn’t realize I’d been missing them so much until I saw them. They’re both such wonderful young women.
Seeing Mary was a real kick in the balls, though. Mary, if you are still reading this, I’m sorry but I no longer believe you are actually in love with me and I’m pretty sure you’re conscious of it. I’m not saying that you’re lying when you say you love me. I know you care about me to a certain extent. And you’re perfectly polite. I have no complaint in that area. In fact, this is not a complaint at all. Just an observation.
I’m really sad about it because we had such a good time hanging out on Monday. But even then, you seemed very accepting when I said we’re not a couple anymore and that I wanted you to find another man if my illness continued to impede my ability to perform. Both of those statements are true, by the way. I was not setting any kind of trap. But I must confess my disappointment at your lack of push back. You actually seemed relieved at my acknowledging those things. But we had such a good time together that I was able to push that disappointment aside and just enjoy spending time with you. I left that night feeling really good about things.
But tonight I saw that behind your polite smile is true indifference. And, again, this is not me blaming you or castigating you. It’s merely an observation. You’re not that good of an actor. And I know that I couldn’t treat you with utter indifference and continue to live with myself. Why would you be any different? I’ve been walking around in denial when the truth is right there.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I know it was me who suffocated your feelings for me. I am fully aware of that. But right now, I do think that your insistence that there is any inkling in your heart that you would ever take me back is something that you know to be untrue. And that’s kind of cruel. Having said that, I do not blame you for anything. I just wish you’d been up front with me. And yes, I do hear the retort that you’ve said repeatedly, which is that I didn’t respect you. And you’re right. I guess I’m getting what I deserve.