Steak

I had steak again tonight. I gotta say, I’m sick of steak. I would’ve never guessed I’d get sick of it so fast but I need some plants in my gut for a few days, I think. Ugh. I have a huge tri-tip in the fridge. What the hell am I going to do with that?

I listened to that SD book. The subject was finding your inner peace.

He said that, to achieve inner peace, you have to let go of everything that you're holding on to that is holding you back. Separating yourself from those things allows you to thrive. In general, I think I’m decent at this. I’ve always tried to be a forgiving person. Okay, maybe I’m being too easy on myself. Let’s really delve into this.

He argued that the two main destroyers of unhappiness are “identification,” which refers to taking stuff personally, and “justification,” or justifying one’s own anger, which is essentially manifested in blame. There, he hit the nail on the head. I think I’m above average at forgiveness. But when it comes to blame, I’m a complete fucking asshole. That’s something I really need to work on. [NOTE TO SELF: research the subject of Blame in your next self-help book.]

And I ain’t so great at forgiveness lately. In the last year, I’ve held onto a lot of anger toward myself and my wife that I need to work on getting rid of. And I think it’s even starting to affect my personality. For example, yesterday Mary said something in the middle of sex that I took completely the wrong way and I got angry . . . INTHE MIDDLE OF SEX! What the fuck is the matter with you? I need to take things more slowly and explore my feelings before I express them.

Besides, even if this doesn’t work out, I HAVE to be able to forgive us and move on in a way that allows healing. Otherwise this pain is going to destroy me. It’s already come pretty close. The fact is, we’re both very good people who aren’t perfect.

Ugh. I feel like shit. Tomorrow is fiber day.