Thirty years ago today, I leaned over to kiss a girl and it changed my whole life. Now, today, I’m looking for an apartment. Words cannot describe how sad that makes me.

On the positive side, I had an encounter with Mary last night that has given me new hope. This girl, who blossomed into a wonderful woman, is still there. I will say, though, that when she said “No more fuck-ups” it did scare me because I’m imperfect and I tend to fuck up. I realize that I can’t do that anymore. I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. No more chances.

I really need to stay focused on the goal - which is not actually to get Mary back. That would just be me going down the same stupid path. My new goal is focused on myself. I need to become the man I want to be. That means working on myself and learning to be happy on my own - be happy with myself. Hopefully, if I can accomplish some proximity of that, I have to trust that Mary will recognize this and give me the chance I so desperately want. And if she doesn’t, I’ve laid the groundwork of recovering from such a heavy loss.