Mary called me today. It meant so much to me I almost immediately started to cry. Then I ended up blowing it and ending on a bad note.
The thing is, she called at the exact moment I was thinking that she wasn’t going to be calling me anymore and I was in the process of deciding strategies to accept that fact. I guess that’s why it meant so much to me. It was so unexpected. But I was already primed at thinking she is trying to figure a way to let me down easy. That still may be the case - it’s certainly the vibe I get. But then she tells me that’s not true and I really do have to believe her because she is truly an honest person. But she does have a distant vibe.
She defiantly has changed a lot. She seems to have more inner peace and confidence. Those are two things I certainly don’t have at the moment. Maybe that’s why she seems distant. I’m desperate and she’s stoic. This is so painful.
I don’t know if I’m going to move downtown. I still have to think about it and the lady said there were more units coming available. I think I’m going to take the next week or two to look around some more and then get really aggressive about nailing down a place week 2 of November. I don’t want to rush and I’m not sure if downtown is the right fit for me.
Pros: It’s definitely walkable. It’s clean and has a maintenance staff that is on site. Washer/dryer, gym, pool. Balboa Park and good potential date spots are nearby.
Cons: It’s a little more expensive than some other places I'm beginning to see. Homeless. It’s not super central. Traffic could be an issue. Being in downtown, Mary and the kids might not be so inclined to visit as in other neighborhoods.
I don’t even know if I should be considering Mary. She seems very reluctant to commit to even spending more time with me. Regardless, my kids are all down that way so that is where I want to be.
I’m going to look around but I think right now, the downtown studio is the leading contender.
I started that book. I’m still in Chapter 1 but so far so good. I know it’s kind of cringe to have a swear word in the title of a self-help book but I think the tone makes it easier to hear the message. He comes across as knowledgeable (which I was having a problem finding) but not preachy (which I was also having a problem finding). After I finish this, I will almost definitely move to the sequel, Do the Work, which seems apropos. I need something to kick me! Procrastination and listening to my thoughts is not productive. I need to find the strength and motivation to do what I need to do and the understanding to become who I want to become. Everything else will just have to take care of itself.