I got high last night. Sorry, not sorry. It actually felt like the right thing to do. I was badgered (after several days of being hounded by your divorce lawyer) into signing the document that will end my 30 year relationship with you. Getting a little blasted seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Now I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “I knew it! He’s smoking weed again!” Wait ‘til you hear all the shit I got into afterward. I watched TV for a couple of hours and then went to bed. Maybe I’ll see a priest about that.
Now you’re texting me that you don’t want to get a divorce by you don’t know what else to do. Hmm. Hilarious. And I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, I stopped doing everything in trying to keep this relationship going and I literally haven’t heard from you until today when you responded to a call I initiated. (Oh, I take that back. You texted me yesterday, I’m assuming because your divorce lawyer was telling you I had to sign that document.)
Anyway, either you’re an absolute coward or a complete retard and I can’t decide which one is true. You’re either a coward because you won’t admit you just want to get rid of me or you’re a complete retard because you’re doing what you do again and over-reacting. If you are telling the truth, that is. I know you think my transgressions were SO frustrating and you HAD TO divorce me because I was SO insufferable. Why? I seriously don’t get it. Whatever I was doing that brought you to this point, I’m not doing it anymore and I haven’t done it in a long time. Why am I trying to convince you at this point. The bottom line is, you will live to regret this decision either way. I’m not saying that because I’m so great. I’m saying that because we’ve been a couple for more than half our lifetimes. We have wonderful children that we adore. We have a history - a very unique and intimate history. You think you’re going to just replace that? You’re a moron.
Anyway, I’ve been getting into this certain modern philosopher that talk a lot about finding ways to live a life that is positive and productive. He talks about how free will comes with responsibility and how it’s in that responsibility where we find the true meaning in life. It made me think about my responsibility as a father and, believe it or not, that gave my life very deep meaning. I do think that is at least in part why I’ve been such a fucking wreck. My kids have grown up and they’re living independent lives. Hell, they barely even reach out anymore. Thus, my life doesn’t mean as much anymore. I guess I need to find new meaning. I think what that is going to be is that I want to - and will - focus on myself for a while. Hell, I’m going to be in some depressing divorced guy apartment. Might as well work on myself.