Sorry

I’m sad to the point of tears again tonight. I miss my wife. I live in a nightmare.

Mary likes to say that if things were reversed, that I would have been gone a long time ago. And just like every other common sense thing Mary has to say, I’ve always accepted that as gospel. Tonight, for some reason, I had the epiphany that it’s not true at all. I’m not wired like that. It was something my dad drilled into us. My mom lived it. No matter what the fuck is gong on, you put up with it and you don’t talk about it outside of the family.

And Mary, I know right now your eyes must be rolling like the Wheel of Fortune. But I absolutely don’t mean that as a good thing. You’re right. You have brought this up many times and I agree with you. I would not want one of my daughters married to a man like me. It shames me to my fucking core to put that down on the record. I do not deserve a woman like you and I have cried uncontrollably at the karmic debt I have accrued by wasting your precious life. Tears are streaming down my face right now as I write that.

Anyway, yes, I am shocked at how you treat me. But then I think about your list and it fills me with shame because, of course you don’t want to be with me. Who the fuck would want to be with me. Ugh. It’s fucking crazy at the depths of my sorrow.

I had a whole point thing I wanted to write about but I don’t even care anymore.