I'm back

It’s been a few days since I’ve left a post here. I need to get back into working on myself, especially now that I’m living on my own. This blog is definitely part of it. In a big way, I never stopped working on myself. Since I ended my juice cleanse, I have tried to avoid sugar and carbs (largely unsuccessfully) and I have been trying to only eat twice a day (more successfully). Now that I’m more settled in this place, I have to get a workout routine in place.

Most of all, I’m looking forward to working on my relationship with Mary. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I have to say that I’m excited about living near to her. And the kids, of course. Anyway, more to come.

First Night

I worked from my dumpy apartment today. It was still pretty much an empty room. My cheap Walmart couch showed up. After I snapped it together, it seemed a little more like an actual living space. I still have to get a dresser and a TV. That’s probably tomorrow.

After work, I went and got an oil change. I also had them change a few filters, rotate the tires, and replace the wiper blades. I want it to be good to go if Choppy decides she wants it.

Then I went to Target to get some things I need for the apartment. I thought it was going to be fun. I remember how fun it was to take Daniel and Riley shopping at Target for their apartments. It wasn’t fun. It was actually really fucking depressing. It made me unreasonably sad. So much so that I had to control my emotions at the register. I let it go when I got back here. I don’t want to be here. I want to be home. I guess this is my home now.

And there’s not much hope for me. Even if Mary and I continue our hookups, the way she treats me in front of the kids is how she really feels about me. She doesn’t treat me like that to protect the kids. She does it because we’re not a couple and she wants the option to walk away at any moment. I can’t blame her for it and I don’t but, holy shit, it doesn’t feel good. Oof.

I had a training this week called “The Outward Mindset.” I was dreading it because it was a soft skills training that started at 7 and went 3 hours. When I logged on, there were three other people on and they were speaking Dutch. I almost dropped but I’m glad I didn’t. There were a bunch of other people who were supposed to show up (including the big girl) but it turned out to be just the 4 of us the whole time. The training was all about, basically, how being selfish (inward thinking) is counter-productive. It also presented a pretty good model for problem-solving. The whole time, I just kept thinking, shit, I wish I’d taken this training a couple of years ago. That’s life, I guess.

Ugh. I have to get some lamps in here. I hate bright overhead lighting. Hopefully, this place will feel more like home by tomorrow night. I guess we’ll have to see.

Last night

I’m pretty sure this is my last regular night at my moms house. Before Barb moves back in, I’ll probably spend the night from time to time so I don’t have to get up so early to walk my mom. But other than that, I’ll be on my own.

And I’m scared about that. I never thought I’d be one of those depressing divorced guys living alone but here we are.

I was at the place yesterday waiting for the cable guy and I couldn’t help but wonder if I should have done more looking around before pulling the trigger on it. Too late to worry about that now I guess.

Morning thought

I’ve been lying here with my thoughts for 45 minutes since the 4am morning dance party went off and I was thinking about how my brothers were pressuring me to eat and drink on Saturday. And they were serious. They would’ve been so happy if I’d given in to them. But I didn’t. I had self discipline.

I need to recognize that for the outcome it produced. I had a fantastic time and still didn’t wake up the next day feeling like shit. I don’t have to be that agreeable guy who wants everyone to have a good time. It’s more important to be a man with self respect. That means respecting my body and the work I’ve put in to being a better person.

Wrapping it up

So I’m drinking my final juice right now. I’m so grad it’s almost over but at the same time, so glad I did it.

Today was definitely the hardest day of the cleanse. I’d planned on doing some exercise but I felt so tired. I think that has to do with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping very well during this whole thing. Around noon, I almost quit because I felt very weak and hungry but I held out and in the afternoon took a nap instead. After that, I pretty much spent the rest of the night watching football with my mom. I’ve never noticed how many food commercials there are on a football game.

I don’t want to count my chickens but I cannot help but hope that this has solved the chronic health problems I’ve been experiencing for two and a half years. I mean, I pain site just keeps feeling better and better. And there have been moments over that time where, if I sat really still, I wouldn’t feel any pain but I could always find it. Right now, I can walk across the room stretching my back and I can’t find the pain. It’s incredible. I saw at least a half a dozen doctors, I was hooked up to some very expensive medical equipment, etc. etc. But then Amanda suggests a juice cleanse and (at the moment at least) it cleared up.

I’m really looking forward to having sex with Mary. I haven’t had sex without being in pain for over two years! Sometimes in quite a bit of pain. It’s really a testimony on how much I love to have sex with Mary.

I will say that I’m a little nervous. I mean, it does seem too good to be true. I want food but I also want to be very careful about the amount and type of food I put in my body. I mean, what if this is only a temporary reprieve. I don’t even know how I would handle that.

Ah well. I don’t want to worry about that now. I just want to sit here and enjoy this feeling.

Kinda proud of myself

Yesterday was an absolutely legendary sports day. You had the final game of the World Series. The MLS Championship where Garreth Bale, fresh out of Europe, replaces Vela on the field for LAFC and scores the tying goal in the final minute of extra time. (LAFC went on to win in PKs. What a crazy finish that was.) You had No. 1 Tennessee v. No. 3 Georgia. You had Bran Kelly’s new team, sixth ranked LSU, beating No. 2 Alabama in overtime. And you had unranked Notre Dame going up against a 4th ranked Clemson team at home. Wow.

So when my brothers found out I was on a juice cleanse this weekend, they took it as an opportunity to give me a tremendous amount of shit. They kept offering me shots and beers. “Hey Kevy, if Notre Dame wins, you have to take a shot. Come on, man, take a shot!” Ryan got shrimp pizza from Pizza Port. They got a bowl from Chipotle just the way I like it and put it in front of me. “Here, man, I’m full. Finish my burrito,” sticking it in my face.

And let me tell you something. I didn’t give two shits about the alcohol but holy crap I wanted the food. So bad! But I sat there sipping my juice, starving, enjoying the game. And holy crap, what a game it was. Notre Dame absolutely curb stomped Clemson, and the did it with a quarterback that can’t throw the ball five yards down the field (ND’s QB is the worst I have ever seen). That means ND had to run the ball and they bullied them the whole game. It was glorious. (Come on, man! Now you have to take a shot!) But still, I drank my juice.

The thing is, I feel better than I have in years. I don’t want to go into specifics because it almost seems too good to be true and I don’t want to jinx myself. Especially since, yesterday when I was in Target buying stuff for my apartment, I suddenly felt pain shooting in my side. “It’s back,” I thought. “This cleanse solved nothing.” Then I got back to my apartment and the pain moved and I thought I was going to throw up and then I went to the bathroom and I felt even better than I’d felt before.

Not only that, you know, this experience has really made me think about how I’ve treated my body. And watching them eat tacos then pizza then burritos, all I could think about was how they were packing all that into their gut. Holy crap, I don’t want to live like that anymore.

Confused (?) Actually, no I’m not

I went to Mary’s house tonight to spend time with Isabel. I loved seeing her and listening to her talk about what’s going on with her. She seemed very confident. It really made my heart soar. I’m so proud of her. Suzie too. I almost didn’t realize I’d been missing them so much until I saw them. They’re both such wonderful young women.

Seeing Mary was a real kick in the balls, though. Mary, if you are still reading this, I’m sorry but I no longer believe you are actually in love with me and I’m pretty sure you’re conscious of it. I’m not saying that you’re lying when you say you love me. I know you care about me to a certain extent. And you’re perfectly polite. I have no complaint in that area. In fact, this is not a complaint at all. Just an observation.

I’m really sad about it because we had such a good time hanging out on Monday. But even then, you seemed very accepting when I said we’re not a couple anymore and that I wanted you to find another man if my illness continued to impede my ability to perform. Both of those statements are true, by the way. I was not setting any kind of trap. But I must confess my disappointment at your lack of push back. You actually seemed relieved at my acknowledging those things. But we had such a good time together that I was able to push that disappointment aside and just enjoy spending time with you. I left that night feeling really good about things.

But tonight I saw that behind your polite smile is true indifference. And, again, this is not me blaming you or castigating you. It’s merely an observation. You’re not that good of an actor. And I know that I couldn’t treat you with utter indifference and continue to live with myself. Why would you be any different? I’ve been walking around in denial when the truth is right there.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I know it was me who suffocated your feelings for me. I am fully aware of that. But right now, I do think that your insistence that there is any inkling in your heart that you would ever take me back is something that you know to be untrue. And that’s kind of cruel. Having said that, I do not blame you for anything. I just wish you’d been up front with me. And yes, I do hear the retort that you’ve said repeatedly, which is that I didn’t respect you. And you’re right. I guess I’m getting what I deserve.

Keys

I got my keys to my apartment today. I had only met my landlady but her husband was the one to hand over the keys. His name is Ido and, for some reason, I just assumed he was going to be a big black dude. I mean, whose named Ido but a big black dude. He turned out to be a skinny little nerdy white guy. You can tell that they’re so happy to have me as a tenant. I’m a single middle aged guy with a decent job. That’s probably hard to come by.

I’m not going to be fully moved in for a while, though. My bed won’t be delivered until next Friday. Meanwhile, i need to set up gas & electric and internet. I’m not going to be living there for a while yet.

In the meantime, I’m starting my juice cleanse tomorrow. In preparation, I’ve been on a restrictive diet today - no coffee, no meat, no dairy, plenty of water. I have to say, I felt like shit earlier in the week and i’m already feeling a lot better. I am starving, though so I’m a little worried about being on nothing but juice and water for the next few days.

I had a 7am meeting this morning so my mom and I got out to the park early for our walk. It was a blustery morning but I actually thought it was kind of nice walking in the dark with the stars peeking out between the clouds. My mom couldn’t do as much as we usually do. It’s trippy how her body does not deal well with changes in her schedule. It’s what’s always made her terrible to travel with. She always gets sick.

When we were walking, I could tell my body was getting better because I could sense my sexual energy gathered in my groin. That’s kind of the only way I can describe it. You don’t really feel it so much as, if you stop to think about it, you just know it’s there. What’s worse is that if it’s not there and it’s go time, you really know it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t there last night and I knew it. Another wasted opportunity. I really have to make up for it.

Anyway, I came home and hopped on my meeting. Tanner was there along with Amanda and Laurel, my new boss (for reasons I’m still not sure of). However, nobody from Veldhoven bothered to show up so the meeting got canceled anyway.

Words to live by

I was listening to a psychologist I like tonight and he was talking about how like is full of tragedy and suffering so the last thing you want to do is to be the cause of your own tragedy. I felt like he was talking to me.

He said that’s why it’s important to tell the truth, because lying is a terrible long-term strategy for leAding your life by. If you live truthfully, you’re always on firm ground and it’s much easier to be confident in yourself.

All of this is of course true. The disappointing thing is that I don’t think I understood that a couple of years ago. Ugh. I really fucking hate myself sometimes.

So that's settled

I signed my lease today. It was pretty uneventful, did it online, I’m happy to have it over with. Now I have to turn that place into a home. That’s gonna take some time and money. I have to set up gas & electric and internet. After that, I need a bed. I was told I could take the mattress I’m sleeping on now but I don’t want to show up to my new apartment with a stained up old hobo mattress that looks like I grabbed it out of the alley. Ugh. I assume that’s going to be the most expensive thing I have to buy. I’m hoping that I can find a decent couch at Good Will or somewhere like that. I can’t just go buying a whole new living room set - even a small one - but it’s important to me that my place be a cozy, welcoming place.

My landlord seems nice. I think she’s pretty stoked to get me. The place isn’t exactly the Taj Mahal. Ugh, I hope I made a good decision on this place.

Once I move in, I really want to start focusing on myself. I’ll keep coming up here to walk my mom but other than that, I’m probably going to stay away. I overheard Ryan making the argument to my mom that she should be happy him and Sean watch sports here because it’s better than going somewhere else and getting popped on the road coming home. He actually said that. He’s a man in his forties whose life was a disaster to begin with and now is on the verge of homelessness.

But then I remember that I’m not much better. God I want the chance to make it all right. I want to put my life back together and become someone I can be proud of again. I just hope I get that chance.

4 in the morning

Ryan came home at like 9 last night and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. It seemed like a strange question for a Sunday night. I told him no and went to bed early and could hear his tv going in the next room. Now his alarm has been absolutely blaring for the last 20 minutes. I came to the living room couch to try and get away but no luck.

Now I can’t stop thinking about how I couldn’t do it yesterday. I’m starting to worry I’ve got so much baggage in my head over what’s happened to our marriage that I can’t enjoy any of the good stuff anymore.

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Mary doesn’t seem any closer to forgiving me for anything.

Ryan finally turned off his morning disco. Maybe I can get some sleep before I have to get up.

Working on myself

I really like this book - Unfuck Yourself. He starts our talking about the little voice in your head and how this judgmental little guy can really mess you up. I’ve definitely experienced a lot of negative self-talk recently so it really hits home. The narrator has a manly Scottish brogue, which I find trustful. And I do feel like I’m stuck - whatever that means. Hopefully, realizing this will help me get unstuck.

I think the gist of this book is about realizing that you are the answer to whatever your problem is. “Your life is waiting for you to show up.” “Create the kind of reality you want to live in.” It’s motivational. Who knows. Maybe that’s what I’ve needed all along - motivation. Ugh. What a piece of crap I am (negative self-talk). We’ll see. But so far, I like the cut of this guy’s jib and I’m hopeful that his tough love approach will be useful. I do think his message is applicable to my determination not to be a pot smoker or drinker anymore.

Ryan tried to get me to go to some bar for Halloween tonight. I turned him down. I’m so glad I turned him down.

K pop morning

Ryan’s alarm has been going off for 25 minutes. Wait … he just turned it off and he’s now back to snoring. The alarm is this k pop song (at least it’s what I imagine k pop sounds like - sugary and banal). When it finishes, it starts right back up again. Anyway, I’m gonna have that in my head all day.

It’s not even early (quarter to 8) but I hear it nearly every week day morning at 4am. Ugh. It’s become my nightmare. I’m assuming he set an alarm to watch soccer. Fool.

I’ve been lying here since 5:30, unable to sleep. I’ve been thinking about how I feel completely cut off from Mary. And when I tell her I want to spend more time together she seems reticent.

Ah Christ. The k pop song is back.

anyway, I think I need to listen to what she’s been telling me. I need to just go make my own life. I’ve got another apartment viewing in a couple of hours. More of the same, probably. I’m waiting to hear about a little casita that’s coming available. If I can’t get that, I’ll probably just pull the trigger on something. I gotta get away from this k pop song (which is still playing as I type this.)

Trying to do better

During my walk with my mom today, I was telling her how guilty I feel about moving out without Ryan. He’s been working long hours and picking up shifts at Big 5 getting ready to move out. When he comes home at night, he looks so beat. If I were to get an apartment with him, I would make his life SO much easier.

My mom told me he’s not my responsibility. She said that this was something that would be good for him. Her answer surprised me, I’m not going to lie. But she’s right and I just need to get out of here and I figure it will be off my mind.

Anyway, I was proud of myself because I realized that, despite the fact I finished that self discipline book a couple of weeks ago, I have been sticking to the principles it talked about. For example, today I got home from work later than I normally do on a Friday and I took a nap. After talking to Mary and eating my customary early dinner, it was dark out by the time I got around to going for a jog. it was dark out and I didn’t really want to go. But I made myself do it whereas in the past, I probably would have skipped it without a second thought.

There are many other examples. Like, when I was at Lori’s, I wanted nothing more than to sleep in and take it easy but I made myself get out of bed and walk with my mom.

Looking for an apartment is another example. I know everyone thinks I’m dragging my feet, and that was true initially, but I’ve been pricing mattresses, making a list of things I need, etc. Sure, there’s nothing impressive about any of this. But it’s me trying to do better.

The smell of temptation (?)

I walked up to Vons tonight to buy a box of Spindrift. I walked by This woman sitting in a car with her hand dangling out the window and a burning joint at the end of it and that smell hit me and it was almost like meeting an old friend.

I realized I hadn’t thought about it in a long time. But you know what it made me think of? The last time I’d quit, I was on walk with Mary and Niko and we caught the smell of weed and Mary asked if it tempted me. I answered her truthfully that it didn’t tempt me so much as I just like the smell. The funny thing is that I think the smell of really good beer tempts me but weed not so much, even though I d say I like weed more.

Anyway, I remembered how proud I was that day at not feeling any desire to smoke again. But then I realized that I did end up smoking again. And I have no memory of being tempted to do so or coming to the decision to do so, I just know I must have. I think it must have been the day the cops showed me the door. Anyway, it made me sad thinking about that.

Timing is everything

Mary called me today. It meant so much to me I almost immediately started to cry. Then I ended up blowing it and ending on a bad note.

The thing is, she called at the exact moment I was thinking that she wasn’t going to be calling me anymore and I was in the process of deciding strategies to accept that fact. I guess that’s why it meant so much to me. It was so unexpected. But I was already primed at thinking she is trying to figure a way to let me down easy. That still may be the case - it’s certainly the vibe I get. But then she tells me that’s not true and I really do have to believe her because she is truly an honest person. But she does have a distant vibe.

She defiantly has changed a lot. She seems to have more inner peace and confidence. Those are two things I certainly don’t have at the moment. Maybe that’s why she seems distant. I’m desperate and she’s stoic. This is so painful.

I don’t know if I’m going to move downtown. I still have to think about it and the lady said there were more units coming available. I think I’m going to take the next week or two to look around some more and then get really aggressive about nailing down a place week 2 of November. I don’t want to rush and I’m not sure if downtown is the right fit for me.

Pros: It’s definitely walkable. It’s clean and has a maintenance staff that is on site. Washer/dryer, gym, pool. Balboa Park and good potential date spots are nearby.

Cons: It’s a little more expensive than some other places I'm beginning to see. Homeless. It’s not super central. Traffic could be an issue. Being in downtown, Mary and the kids might not be so inclined to visit as in other neighborhoods.

I don’t even know if I should be considering Mary. She seems very reluctant to commit to even spending more time with me. Regardless, my kids are all down that way so that is where I want to be.

I’m going to look around but I think right now, the downtown studio is the leading contender.

I started that book. I’m still in Chapter 1 but so far so good. I know it’s kind of cringe to have a swear word in the title of a self-help book but I think the tone makes it easier to hear the message. He comes across as knowledgeable (which I was having a problem finding) but not preachy (which I was also having a problem finding). After I finish this, I will almost definitely move to the sequel, Do the Work, which seems apropos. I need something to kick me! Procrastination and listening to my thoughts is not productive. I need to find the strength and motivation to do what I need to do and the understanding to become who I want to become. Everything else will just have to take care of itself.

Things are changing

I suffered another indignity last night. Usually, I have to walk past my daughters feeling humiliated and dejected but with my head held high, That was bad enough. This time, I had to sneak out the back like some sort of philandering milkman . . . Ah well it was totally worth it.

I found an apartment today. I’ll apply for it tomorrow. It’s downtown. It comes with a pool and a gym and a washer/dryer. It’s very small,.

It was a horrible experience. This is a painful thing to do to begin with. But of course the office lady starts poking around about why I’m moving and I just want her to stop so I say, kind of abruptly, “I’m separating from my wife.” She got the point. But then, a few minutes later when I’m asking about how much of a problem crime is, she says, “Well, you know, I have many single women living in the building and it’s not generally a problem with them.” I was so fucking embarrassed. I mean, lady, could you be more obvious you’re trying to play me?

I looked at several layouts. There was a one bedroom that was huge and it had a great view from the 6th floor. But I can’t justify spending that kind of money on just myself. I told her I was interested in the smallest one on the second floor. Crappy view.

It’s super tiny. I’m thinking about how I’m going to set it up. Talk about your sad divorced guy apartment. .

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It will be fine.

Anyway, I’m meeting with this lady Thursday morning to talking about freelance work. I hope it works out. It seems like it could be a fairly long-term gig. It would also really help me beef up my portfolio should I ever have to leave ASML.

As of right now I may be on the cusp of a project that could define my career. I’m super fucking excited. It would be creating all the training for all of the custom machines they have in the cleanroom, which currently have no training. I want whatever I create for this thing to be off the hook cool because it actually has the potential to affect the company’s bottom line, which really makes it super high profile.

It’s funny that I’m starting that project at the same time that I’m starting another project that is absolutely boing to be a pain in my ass for the rest of the year. More on that later, I’m sure.

To finish off, I’ve been looking for a self-improvement book for like a week. I’ve learned that the self-help book sector is absolutely loaded with shit. Anyway, I finally think I found a winner. It’s called Unfuck Yourself. It’s supposed to be this no nonsense, tough love approach to working on yourself and it’s gotten some good reviews. We’ll see. More on that later, too.

I’ve got a fucking dilemma

I’m miserable. I miss my wife constantly. I feel isolated and sad all … the … time. Then, yesterday afternoon, Mary reached out to remind me that she had invited me over for a family night with Carina and Dan.

I was watching the Padre game with my mom but I could’ve gotten out of that. Also, I was writing Summer’s college essay but I could’ve put it off.

It’s gotten physically difficult to be around the family and act like everything is hunky dory while the person I love more than life, in whose arms I find sustenance (I mean that literally- I feel physically starved from her touch) - I’m expected to sit there, play nice, not discuss things I’m desperate to resolve, but instead put on a happy face. Then comes the worst part. Getting up and walking out because I don’t live there anymore. There’s a special humiliation I feel every time this happens.

My dilemma is that I feel like I was much happier when I was seeing my family almost every day. But that pain and humiliation has gotten worse.

I don’t think this is going to end well. I don’t know what to do.