Sorry

I’m sad to the point of tears again tonight. I miss my wife. I live in a nightmare.

Mary likes to say that if things were reversed, that I would have been gone a long time ago. And just like every other common sense thing Mary has to say, I’ve always accepted that as gospel. Tonight, for some reason, I had the epiphany that it’s not true at all. I’m not wired like that. It was something my dad drilled into us. My mom lived it. No matter what the fuck is gong on, you put up with it and you don’t talk about it outside of the family.

And Mary, I know right now your eyes must be rolling like the Wheel of Fortune. But I absolutely don’t mean that as a good thing. You’re right. You have brought this up many times and I agree with you. I would not want one of my daughters married to a man like me. It shames me to my fucking core to put that down on the record. I do not deserve a woman like you and I have cried uncontrollably at the karmic debt I have accrued by wasting your precious life. Tears are streaming down my face right now as I write that.

Anyway, yes, I am shocked at how you treat me. But then I think about your list and it fills me with shame because, of course you don’t want to be with me. Who the fuck would want to be with me. Ugh. It’s fucking crazy at the depths of my sorrow.

I had a whole point thing I wanted to write about but I don’t even care anymore.

Frustrated

I finished my SD book a few days ago and so I was thinking about what I should do next. I was thinking about the things you said and the things I said (I’m speaking to Mary, which I shouldn’t be doing - this is not a blog to Mary) - anyway, I was thinking about how shocked I am every time Mary starts reminding me of the shit I’ve done over the years. It’s like a bucket of cold water being thrown in your face. How could I forget all that shit? And every time its like waking up all over again. It’s horrible.

Anyway, I wanted to get a handle on what is going on there. And how I manage to make Mary so angry she cries without even trying. She says I’m pushing buttons but I don’t know what I’m doing. Anyway, I was looking around for a book on emotional intelligence. I really want to know what’s going on with me. What my deal is, cuz I’ve got something wrong with me.

Anyway, I found a book that looked interesting and the reviews were pretty good so I got it and started listening. What a piece of shit. I mean it was barely above the quality of the books I used to write for the Romanians. Pure shit. I should have know right away because the first sentence was the author congratulating the audience for buying his book. That is never a good sign. But stupidly, I kept with it for about 15 minutes before my frustration got the best of me and I turned it off.

I’ll keep looking.

I can't do anything else

Tonight was a fucking disaster. And I’m terrified that one of us isn’t stubborn enough to get past this. It’s a serious problem. We seem to have grown apart. You have grown. That’s obvious. Your confidence is beautiful. But sometimes I do feel like I just don’t mean that much to you. I’m sure I need to grow and I will do that. I want to grow WITH you. That’s the whole purpose of me wanting you to have a key to my apartment is because I WANT to be close to you. But I can’t feel close to you if we can’t truly be together.

I don’t know. It’s a problem And I’m scared because love Mary so much and I want to make it work. That’s what I want. And I don’t know what else to do. I’m going to continue to try and be a better person. Even though the things Mary says make me feel like a colossal failure. Every time I hear that list is like I’m being torn down. I fucking hate myself. I don’t know what else to do.

Dodged a bullet

Well, I actually wouldn’t say I dodged a bullet exactly. I made a decision that I might not have made in the past just because I hate letting people down. But this morning during our walk, my mom told me that Sean and Ryan woke her up Saturday night - or rather Sunday morning at 3 am) when they loudly came into the house after a night of being out. She said she woke up to people she had never seen before sleeping on her couch and then they stuck around for a few hours after they woke up.

So, not only am I so so happy I bailed on going to watch the Padre game with them - and who knows how long I’d’ve been stuck where they were before I decided to pay up on an Uber - but it is a stark reminder that Ryan is going to be a fucking nightmare for whoever he suckers into helping him pay for rent. The dude is proudly inconsiderate and will be until he hits a brick wall.

Happily, not my problem.

Didn't do much

I feel a little guilty saying this but I didn’t really work on myself today. There were a lot of good football games and my last day to really sleep in here a K&L’s so I kind of took the day off. I cooked myself a tri-tip out of Keith’s personal stash. It turned out amazing.

I went to walk the dogs and had a bit of a heart attack moment because they weren’t there and the girls didn’t know where they were. Then I saw Daniel coming down the street with them. I thought he was still out of town.

Anyway, he says he wants to have me over for a movie for helping them out the other day. I’m hoping I can talk Mary into joining us.

waking up

I’m getting up for a jog in MB Park. I came home last night and watched the Padres beat the Dodgers (best team in baseball) to move on to the National League Championship Series. Post season baseball is actually exciting. Then I went to bed.

Anyway I woke up to a text from Sean. It was a picture of Ryan sitting is a booth in some restaurant so drunk he can barely keep his head up.

Holy shit, I’m glad I bailed on those guys.

I'm not happy with myself

After I swung by the house to walk the dogs, it was getting kind of late so I thought, what the hell, just get something from the next place you see. I didn’t want to get out of the car and I didn’t want to spend a lot. So I made a really bad decision: I went to Jack In The Box and got a spicy chicken sandwich combo. Horrible decision. It was so gross I almost vomited. I need to never eat that shit again.

Good start

I got out of bed early this morning - like 7:30, which is good for me on a Saturday morning. I went down to Mission Bay Park for a jog. I’m really starting to think that Mary may have been right to say that I could benefit from living away from Ryan and my mom. Obviously, living away from a bad influence like Ryan is self-evidently beneficial. However, I think my mom is just as much of a bad influence. In her world, everything is the way it is and there’s no use trying to change anything. She’s very helpless in a way that I find detestable and I DO NOT want to be like that myself. I started talking to Mary again just as this “alone time” started and I feel like it’s given me a whole new outlook. I want to keep that going so I really need to get on the ball and get an apartment, goddamnit!

Speaking of Ryan, I’m already dreading seeing him today. Yesterday, when I was up there to walk my mom, he came out and asked if I would want to go to a bar with him and Sean to watch the end of the Padre game tonight after the Notre Dame game. He also asked if I wanted to watch El Classico with him on Sunday morning then go see Tashi play in Mira Mesa. I said that sounded fun. Now, with the benefit of actually thinking about it for two seconds, I’m not doing any of that. I know those guys and they’re going to try to draw me into some long night going into a long morning. Ugh. That sounds like a terrible weekend.

So I’ve got my excuses. I’ve gotta walk my dogs after the ND game and I told Isabel I’d run with her Sunday morning. The first one’s true. The second one isn’t. I just wanna come back here and have a relaxing evening and pretend I’m already away from there.

A night with my girls

The girls came over tonight. It was so fantastic to see them. I felt like I hadn’t seen them for ages. They are both so beautiful and amazing in their own ways. They are so different but they are such good friends. It makes my heart burst.

Summer had me look at a 200-word essay. She tried talking to me about inflation to start but, classic me, I went into a lecture about the Federal Reserve. She is so nice, she tolerated me and we moved on to her essay. It was actually really good. It was written in her vernacular but I wasn’t about to change that. Her ideas really show how she’s really starting to understand the world she lives in. I was really impressed.

Isabel was typical Isabel. She sat there the whole time tolerating us. But then we had a chance to bond for a bit when she started showing me these short videos this guy makes. They are super strange and scatological clips that are like 90 seconds but they are strangely satisfying. I mean, Isabel has a tremendous eye/ear for really high quality art that is so far ahead of everyone else that nobody knows its cool yet.

We watched Wedding Crashers and ordered food from this place called CAVA. I had to have it shipped in from Mission Valley but they really made this place out to be one of their favorites so it was totally worth it. Summer was on her phone through a lot of the movie but she assured me she was watching it. I had the feeling that Isabel was counting the minutes until she could leave. It was still really nice to be here with them.

We heard briefly from Mary and Riley out in New York. The seem to be having a ball. I miss Mary. Also, I was hoping to use Keith & Lori’s house as a sex den for a few days but I found out today that they’re coming back Thursday. After enjoying this peace and quiet (and space), I think that I’m going to feel motivated to get an apartment as soon as I get back to my mom’s place. We’ll see.

Dark Days

Being along so much, I have plenty of time to reflect on my life. And to be honest with you, I feel like I’m living in a horrible dystopia. My father is dead. My wife has all but left me. I’m being evicted from my closet hovel. I have a closet hovel. I firmly believe that the majority of our society has been injected with a poison and it looks like we’re at the front of a giant die-off. Our government is actively trying to get into a nuclear war with Russia and it’s the Democrats who are pushing it. The government has been hijacked by a group of internationalist homicidal fascists bent on enslaving us (something they have announced openly) and they have teamed up with (and model their system after) a Chinese government that has openly said it has an existential imperative to destroy the United States and openly put biological warfare as a viable method for doing it. I didn’t get my cookie with my Postmates delivery. These are dark days.

I have to change my outlook and I’m doing my best to do that. I did 2 hour-long jogs in Mission Bay Park today. I’m determined to work on myself and to save my marriage. I do have a vision of the man I want to be. And you know what? If the world ends, I still want to be the same guy.

I’ve got work to do.

I had a lapse

I got up this morning and drove up to walk my mom. It was rainy this morning. I hate driving in the rain. Anyway, when I got there, she told me that she’d had a bad night and that she didn’t feel like she could walk today. To be fair, she had texted me not to come but I must have already been on my way. Anyway, we chatted for a while and then I drove back to Keith and Lori’s. Along the way, I realized there is no food in this house. And let me tell you something. You normally think about food deserts as being in inner city slums. Their house is in the middle of a food desert. Seriously. Think about it. Everywhere we’ve ever lived (that I can think of), decent food and access to a supermarket or (at least) convenience store has always been a reasonable walk away. That is absolutely not true here. and the streets around their house are so jacked up because they essentially live off an freeway off ramp. Because of this, even if you’re driving somewhere, it’s not a convenient drive.

Anyway, to make a short story very long, I decided to go through McDonald’s for breakfast and now I’m super ashamed of myself. I need to go grocery shopping.

For some reason this morning, my mind has been preoccupied with something Mary said (texted) to me last night. It’s something she’s said before and whenever she says it, I get panicked in that way you do when you think you’ve forgotten something. “I’ve been waiting and waiting,” she said.

The reason for my panic every time is because first of all, it really makes me feel inadequate (I am who I am). But also - WTF is she talking about? Yeah, I haven’t paid the bills on time but I’m not spending money or doing anything financially retarded. I certainly don’t get drunk anymore. I’ve given definite signals that I a approaching a point where I’m ready to engage in therapy and stuff like that. The best I can tell, when she says she’s been waiting around, she is specifically referring to smoking marijuana.

I had a lot of thoughts on this that I had intended to go into but, honestly, it doesn’t matter. Marijuana is something that is famous for delivering diminishing benefits and I feel like it’s run its course with me. On top of that, hell yes I will choose my wife if that’s the choice. That’s kind of all I have to say about that for now. In future posts I will definitely any urges to change my mind that may come up. I think this is a good forum to work through stuff like that.

It turned out to be Carb Day

So, I think I wrote yesterday that, because I’d been packing in so much steak lately, I was going to make today fiber day (or something like that - I can’t be bothered to go look). Anyway, it turned out to be Carb Day. I went over Dan’s house to teach him to make my signature Mac & Cheese. (It really does make me laugh. It is like the national white trash meal.) He called me before I headed over to ask if I could bring my drill. Carina had gotten a couple of more shelves that she wanted to put up.

I thought about all the times over the years when I wished I had a drill. There have been more of those moments than you would expect. And all the times I drove up to my patent’s place to borrow a drill. Anyway, long story short, I drove over to Home Depot and bought him a drill. I have to say, it turned out to make my day to be able to give Daniel a drill (even though Carina probably hates that I’m filling their apartment with tools). It made me feel like a dad again. Totally made my night.

Anyway, we made the Mac&Cheese. it turned out to be fantastic. I wasn’t going to stay to eat it but Dan and I were having such a good conversation I did stay for dinner. It was nice. We watched a bit of the Padres game and talked about their upcoming trip with Miles and his wife. I’m so happy Dan has such a great friend network. He’s got a fantastic GF and a married couple to vacation with. I think about how Mary and I worried about him as a kid - he didn’t always fit in for some reason. But to see him now truly makes me happy.

Mary is going to see Riley tomorrow. I don’t feel great about it. Our lives are so separate now. It really does cause me vexation. But this is my time to grow. Like tonight, I asked her if she wanted me to come over after Dan’s. She said no. I’ll be honest, it’s tough for me not to take that personally. I can’t be like that anymore. I have to let Mary go. I need to focus on myself and let the chips fall where they may.

I had a thought

I just came back from my noon workout in Mission Bay Park. What apartment hunting I have done has mostly been in a couple of areas: Hillcrest, City Heights, Little Italy, etc. Part of my thinking is that I want to be in a walkable community. But now I’m kind of torn. What is more important to me: having a good coffee shop nearby or having a park nearby to workout in. Hmm. Cuz I can make my coffee at home.

I guess a lot of what this boils down to is, how much is a walkable community worth. Because, they usually come with a park nearby. But if I make my coffee at home, I could go to a crappier, cheaper area because those areas have apartment villages that always have some shitty little park nearby.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I still think I’m willing to pay a premium for a walkable community. I’ll keep thinking on it.

Steak

I had steak again tonight. I gotta say, I’m sick of steak. I would’ve never guessed I’d get sick of it so fast but I need some plants in my gut for a few days, I think. Ugh. I have a huge tri-tip in the fridge. What the hell am I going to do with that?

I listened to that SD book. The subject was finding your inner peace.

He said that, to achieve inner peace, you have to let go of everything that you're holding on to that is holding you back. Separating yourself from those things allows you to thrive. In general, I think I’m decent at this. I’ve always tried to be a forgiving person. Okay, maybe I’m being too easy on myself. Let’s really delve into this.

He argued that the two main destroyers of unhappiness are “identification,” which refers to taking stuff personally, and “justification,” or justifying one’s own anger, which is essentially manifested in blame. There, he hit the nail on the head. I think I’m above average at forgiveness. But when it comes to blame, I’m a complete fucking asshole. That’s something I really need to work on. [NOTE TO SELF: research the subject of Blame in your next self-help book.]

And I ain’t so great at forgiveness lately. In the last year, I’ve held onto a lot of anger toward myself and my wife that I need to work on getting rid of. And I think it’s even starting to affect my personality. For example, yesterday Mary said something in the middle of sex that I took completely the wrong way and I got angry . . . INTHE MIDDLE OF SEX! What the fuck is the matter with you? I need to take things more slowly and explore my feelings before I express them.

Besides, even if this doesn’t work out, I HAVE to be able to forgive us and move on in a way that allows healing. Otherwise this pain is going to destroy me. It’s already come pretty close. The fact is, we’re both very good people who aren’t perfect.

Ugh. I feel like shit. Tomorrow is fiber day.

Today is a special day

Thirty years ago today, I leaned over to kiss a girl and it changed my whole life. Now, today, I’m looking for an apartment. Words cannot describe how sad that makes me.

On the positive side, I had an encounter with Mary last night that has given me new hope. This girl, who blossomed into a wonderful woman, is still there. I will say, though, that when she said “No more fuck-ups” it did scare me because I’m imperfect and I tend to fuck up. I realize that I can’t do that anymore. I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. No more chances.

I really need to stay focused on the goal - which is not actually to get Mary back. That would just be me going down the same stupid path. My new goal is focused on myself. I need to become the man I want to be. That means working on myself and learning to be happy on my own - be happy with myself. Hopefully, if I can accomplish some proximity of that, I have to trust that Mary will recognize this and give me the chance I so desperately want. And if she doesn’t, I’ve laid the groundwork of recovering from such a heavy loss.

I opened my mouth

I showed up to walk with my mom and i asked her how she slept. “Lousy,” she said. “I are a bunch of carbs and it woke me up at 2 in the morning.” She has noticed that she sleeps better when I cook. - oh, and the carbs she was referring to were tostadas she made for Darrens birthday. I’ve told her to stop eating that kind of stuff but she won’t listen.

I mentioned that I had a beet salad and that it was amazing. She said, “that’s why I need to live with you.” Then it popped out of my mouth before I could stop it: “you can live with me part-time if I get a one bedroom.” Her eyes lit up and she said, “I want that in writing.”

Why?!

The chances of that happening remain slim. My siblings would shit if my mom had to leave that house and she’s resigned to making it work with barb. But if living with Rick turns out to be too tough to live with, I could see her looking around for options.

I gotta get out of there!

Oh, about that carnivore diet

Mary taught me that you kind of want to step away from a steak when you’re cooking it to get a nice crust on it. So tonight I decided that, while I cooked up my steak I would write that last blog post. Well, I burnt my steak.

Now, I’ve been on sort of an all-meat diet for a few days. To be honest, I haven’t been crazy about the way it’s made me feel but I know that it’s really the fastest way to lose weight. Also, Jordon Peterson talks about his strict all-meat diet and he’s the kind of thin I’d like to be. Anyway, all that to say that I was kind of committed to this all-meat diet thing. It was kind of a self-discipline thing for me.

But then I burnt my steak.

I tossed it in the trash and grabbed my phone to order dinner. I decided to look in the Healthy section and I found this place that looked pretty good. They had a lot of steak and chimichurri stuff but it came with mashed potatoes so I kept scrolling until I got to the salads. There was a beat salad there that looked interesting. No meat on it though. Then I had one of those George Castanza moments where I decided to do the opposite. After that, I sat on the couch brooding that I’d ordered an unsatisfying dinner.

Holy shit! It was fantastic! It was an experience. Fuck the all-meat diet. I need vegetables. Maybe if I get Mary over here next week, I’ll order a couple more of those.

Also, Mary, if you’re reading this. Regarding that iodine. I know I jokingly said it provided radiation protection - it does but in a nuclear attack, that would be like having a couple of floaties in a tsunami. I do recommend that you start taking like a drop or two every day. It’s an essential element that protects your immune system and makes your whole bio-electric system run better. I know that sounds like hocus pocus so I’ll say this. I am waking up with morning wood like I haven’t had since my twenties - I shit you not.

Sustenance

I feel like a man who was crawling through the desert expecting to find only doom but suddenly a beautiful oasis has appeared with a pool of water to drink from and floating in that pool is a beautiful flower. A beautiful bald flower in the shape of a very gorgeous vagina.

Baby, this journal is for me and I am going to try to refrain from even thinking about the possibility that you may be reading these posts but tonight I want to write to you directly.

I literally do feel like I have just drunk of some sustaining mana from heaven. You are so gorgeous and your body is amazing. You are goddamned sexy.

Anyway, please do not worry that I am going to relax because we had an intimate moment. I want a lot of intimate moments. I want them all. I like how we talked like a couple of people who are working on themselves. I know you think you talked the entire time but I really am interested in what you had to say. And I’m not bullshitting when I say that part of me is kind of excited at the prospect of ALANON. If it is what you describe, I will consider delving in deeper on my own. Anyway, I want to work on being a better person for myself AND I want a chance to be a better husband to you because I am totally, head over heels in love with you.

Oh, and I really want to fuck you.