It's Sunday night

Sunday night was supposed to be the night I do my finances. Who gives a fuck. I can’t bring myself to do it tonight. I’ve been sitting in this living room in the dark for over an hour. I just don’t want to think about anything right now.

Nothing means shit until I have an apartment anyway. I will get on that this week. It really is something I’ve been putting off, hoping it would just go away but I can’t really put it off anymore. I need to be gone from my mom’s house long before Rick and Barb show up. God this is so depressing.

This house is creepy. I keep hearing noises coming from the kitchen. I’m sure it’s just the fridge but I’m still creeped.

I am so sad.

Today's been a decent day

I’m trying to be better each day than I was the day before. Towards that end, I got right out of bed today and went down to Mission Bay Park for a morning jog. It was fairly crowded put it was nice to be down there. I’ll be back down there in a few hours.

Also, I spent some time listening to that SD book. The chapter was about problem-solving. He talked about how, when a problem arises, the first reaction of many people is to get angry and blame someone. That rang a bell, to say the least. I’m sorry. He talked about what a waste of time that is and, really, the mature reaction is to stay calm and think about solutions first. This is definitely something I need to work on because this is one of my great short-comings. i am at my worse when I’m in crisis and I don’t want to be that way anymore.

This being along shit is hard on me. I break down and cry a lot - any time Mary and the kids pop into my head. A tear is streaming down my face just from writing that sentence. I miss the so much I want to die. The dogs too. Ugh.

But I gotta keep going. Keep my mind on myself. I really need to get on the ball and get an apartment. Seriously, though, the thought of doing it kills me. Meeting some fucking stranger all by myself. Having to explain that I’m going through a divorce. Holy shit. I don’t want to cry in front of a stranger. It’s bad enough that happened in front of Amanda.

Anyway, I really REALLY want to get in shape too. I tried to see how many pushups I could to today and it was pathetic. I don’t even want to admit how many I did before my muscles said “fuck no.” (9 1/2) Embarrassing. Things have got to change.

Addendum

That last post made it sound like I’ve been all perfect about not drinking. That’s not entirely true. When Keith was telling me about the house, he said several times that I should help myself to his whiskey. I told him that wasn’t necessary. Well, last night I was watching TV and thought to myself, what the hell. I can enjoy a small whiskey if I want. I’m not going anywhere but bed. So I poured myself some and took a sip and it immediately made me wretch. I thought I was going to yack all over their carpet. I poured the rest out and got a Spindrift. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Everything is changing

As I stated yesterday, I’m housesitting for Keith and Lori. I woke up way too early and just spent time in the house being alone. I’ve never been alone like this. Ever. It’s kind of a lot to take and I think about the fact that this is going to be my full-time life pretty soon and I’m not okay with that.

My personal computer stopped charging so I spent a lot of the morning driving around Clairemont trying to find a computer repair shop that was a.) open and (strangely) b.) had someone on site that knew about computers. I must have been to a half a dozen locations before I found this hole-in-the-wall with an old man and the cutest Pomeranian fur ball. It turned out I just need a new charger cord, so I got that going for me.

Then I went over to my mom’s to watch the Notre Dame game. Ryan was in a mood cuz he was really trying to get me to drink. “What happened to you? You used to be fun,” “Why don’t you drink with us anymore? Notre Dame’s playing,” “You’re boring now,” were a few of his choice comments. I think it had to do with the fact that Darren’s birthday is tomorrow so I think he was under the impression we were all going to tie one on tonight to celebrate. In fact, he literally said when I was leaving, “Come on man. We can drink all night.” I replied, “That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.” Sean and Darren laughed but Ryan looked genuinely offended. That guy really needs to change is trajectory.

And he’s still pushing me to buy a house with him. Hilarious. Especially after what’s going on with Barb. And that’s another thing. Sean offered to let my mom live in his basement. She turned him down because she doesn’t want to live in Christine’s house. Sean told me that she told him that what she really wants to do is live with me. I can’t tell you how guilty that makes me feel but I seriously don’t want to take that on. She would always be in the living room - and I mean always - she would guilt me into eating her carb bombs, and forget about the midnight trips to the emergency room. But I feel really bad.

I can’t do it, though. I need to take this time to put my life back together.

Here's hoping

I’m not doing well, to be honest with you. I’m in a very dark place. I was on a jog today and I broke down crying right there in the street. I was thinking about Little G. In fact, as I write this, and Little G comes into my mind, I am crying again. On top of that, I took a look at myself in the mirror today without a shirt on and I was horrified at what I saw.

Anyway, Keith and Lori are out of town so I’m house sitting. I figured I could use this as a dry run for living alone. (your mom would be proud.) This is a huge house.. And it’s not even close to being as big as their last house. I’m looking forward to exercising in Mission Bay Park. But other than that, there’s absolutely nothing over here. I feel like I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere and I’m in the middle of the city.

Anyway, I’m going t o really try to work on myself for the next two weeks and see where I am at the end. Hopefully in a better place.

Not sure if you're aware of this

But we seem to be on the verge of nuclear war. Serious people are saying we are at a more dangerous point than the Cuban Missile Crisis. Yesterday, Biden gave a speech in which he literally said “We are on the verge of Armageddon.” His press secretary walked it back today but then that jackoff in the Ukraine called for the US to make a preemptive nuclear strike on Russia. If something like that were to happen, we should really consider heading for Mexico.

Just a thought.

My reason will be me

I’m so exhausted with being sad all the time. But I can’t stop. I wake up feeling sad and it doesn’t go away for the rest of the day. And several times a day, I hover just above actually breaking down and crying. I’m suffering and I’m tired of it. Anyway . . .

This psychologist I’ve been listening to poses the question: What would you be like if you stopped procrastinating and instead did the things you know you should do but put them off all the time? If you lived like that for five years . . . 10 years, how would your life change?

He says there is good science that says that when you push yourself, and put yourself in situations like that, your brain builds entirely new neural pathways. This implies that there are parts of you that you can unlock, almost like a video game (leveling up). This is the potential that we all carry around with us but we have to stress ourselves and challenge ourselves to transform ourselves like that. It’s pretty interesting to think about and really suggests that this is how we reach our potential.

This also means that it’s okay that I’m not satisfied with who I am. I have the power to be a better person, develop a vision, work towards being that person. But it takes an emphasis for personal responsibility. And I want to be someone who is worth admiration. I need a strategy to put that in place. An individual focused set of ideas. I need a meaning to offset this tragedy that I’m going through. I think that meaning needs to be to become a better person.

Down in the dumps

I’ve had a rough one today. I miss my kids and my dogs and my wife and my old life. It’s all wiped away.

I‘ve really been trying to live by the philosophy of not comparing my life to anyone else’s life except who I was yesterday. The problem with that is that I was a complete loser yesterday and I’m one today. And I' know that’s who I’m going to be tomorrow too. I mean, my life is in shambles.

I guess that’s what happens when you don’t live intentionally. I am determined to dig myself out in the short time I have left on this planet. And here’s the deal. It will be a year in February. If this wasn’t over, I was planning on moving out anyway but I’m sure that I will never get credit for it. Until the end of time, everyone will assume I moved out because Barbie made me. Who cares.

One of the things this guy I’ve been getting into talks about is how you need to push yourself and set high goals but you can’t let yourself get crushed by the distance from that goal so you have to make incremental steps to achieve it. But whatever you do, you have to figure out what it will take to achieve that goal and resolve to pay that price.

So what’s my big goal? I definitely have an image of the man I’d like to be. He’s fit, confident, and financially stable. The fit part I feel like I’ve gotten started on. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at me but I have been very consistent on getting exercise and I’m planning on turning up the notch. I’m really determined to stay on that track.

Financial stability improvement is largely going to be put on hold until I get an apartment. Unfortunately, that’s just the reality. I do feel fairly good about it, though. Barring any personal disasters, I feel like I can still make serious progress in the next year but it will take discipline.

Confidence is something that I still don’t have any idea how I am going to address. I feel shattered and nearly constantly on the verge of tears. For now, I have no answers.

I ended up getting food and she was clearly pissed

I was listening to a fairly famous clinical psychologist and he was saying that when you are suffering is the most important time to find beauty in the world. The truth is, I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about and listening to and reading content about some very dark content. On top of that, this is certainly a time of suffering in my life. I spent the rest of the day listening to music mostly. I’ve got a pretty good list of indie pop music I’m digging on right now.

Anyway, stuff like this - really intelligent people talking about how to live a better life - this is stuff that should have been on my radar decades ago. Certainly when I was in my very early twenties, I had a brief period where I was dabbling with philosophy and having deep conversations and all of that. But for the most part, I have spent a very large portion of my life just floating along not much thinking about how I was living it and I must say, that kind of blows me away. I always considered myself to be someone who had a little bit more going on under the surface but maybe that was never true at all.

In any case, I’m actually being intentional about trying to confront the world in a more honest, courageous way. I think this will be tested in the next couple of weeks when I begin my apartment search in earnest. It’s really going to take me out of my comfort zone. But honestly, the idea of looking for a place without you just makes me so fucking sad I almost can’t stand it.

I think I was going to write a whole thing on living a better life. I’ll save that for tomorrow. I’ve just been sitting here for the last half hour trying to get myself together and now I’m kind of in a bad mood.

My mother is a terrible cook

I just needed to get that off my chest right away. I just suffered through another offensive meal. Holy shit.

She told me she’d found some lemon chicken recipe on the internet she wanted to try. I went on my jog and the whole time I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell her I didn’t want to eat it. There are like five things that she makes that are edible and whenever she tries one of her internet recipes, it’s always fucking trash. In the end, I chickened out (no pun intended) and ate her food. It was absolutely awful. Mushy root vegetables and chicken fillets cooked one side so that the lemon had turned into a black caramel and the chicken was so leathery and dry that I almost couldn’t even choke it down. Absolutely fucking disgusting.

Anyway, I had a disappointing day. Not terrible, Just disappointing. I had a morning meeting so I didn’t have a chance to workout in the morning before I went into the office. I’m not allowing myself any excuses so I need to figure out how to get a workout in on those days before I go into the office before next week. Next I decided to power through lunch and just eat at dinner time. Then Jennifer came strolling into the 2 o’clock team meeting with a big ol’ plate of chocolate chip cookies. I had the first one to be polite. I had the second one because I really wanted one. But I shouldn’t have eaten either one of them.

Now I’m hangry and I just ate dinner. I had to throw most of it away. It was that bad. I mean it. That meal was just fucking terrible. Ugh. I’m either going to starve all night or get food and hate myself.

Anyway, sorry this was such a lame post. It’s hard to find time to listen to things like the ebook on Mondays because I’m in meetings most of the day but I’ll get back on that tomorrow and report back.

I fought through it

I had a couple of key moments today where my SD was tested. First I didn’t want to put together that financial spreadsheet and, if I’m not mistaken, today was the deadline I set for myself in creating it. Certainly, in the past, I would have more than likely pushed it off for another day. I truly do hate thinking about financial stuff. However, because I’m really trying to be intentional about my SD and not give myself excuses, I fought through and created the initial version.

Next, I didn’t want to do my second workout of the day. It was getting on in the afternoon and I really kind of wanted to skip it and just sit here and watch the NFL game of the week. Instead, I fought through and made myself go on and hour-long power walk.

Also, I listened to that ebook for a couple of hours today. For the most part it was pretty disappointing. I’m hoping that it’s just the section of the book I’m in but all the sudden it turned into a manual on becoming a great salesman. Some of it was useful. He talked a lot about the importance of working hard to develop a good reputation at the office and I think my professional life is one of the areas I need to hone in on during this journey of self-discipline. I’ll keep going with it. The reviews for the book didn’t make it sound like it was specific to salespeople.

On the gossip front, Barbie is really trying to screw my mom. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced she has no moral right to move into this house. Legally, it’s a whole different ballgame but there’s no way my dad would’ve agreed to a reality that had my mom stuck in this house alone with Rick for extended periods. On top of that, she’s refusing to budge on letting my mom have Ryan’s space. Essentially, she’s saying, “This is my house and you’ll take what I give you.” I don’t even think she has a leg to stand on legally to do that. After all, my dad paid into this house for decades. That equity didn’t just dissipate when my dad died. I have the feeling Barbie assumes she automatically inherited it but that’s not true. This could get ugly. And it’s biting me in the ass because my mom continues to hint that she wants to get a place with me God! Even if we got a two bedroom, she would never leave the living room. I ain’t doing that.

Okay, there are certain drawbacks to talking to her all the time

Yesterday, when Mickey was here, my mom was talking about my dad’s unrelenting stubbornness. Mickey commented, “I keep finding out things about dad that I’m not sure I want to know.”

As I write this, my mother is sitting next to me in the living room. It’s Sunday morning and the RV is off and we’re just sitting here and she’s over-sharing again. My heart is so heavy thinking about you . . and us. She’s talking about all those years when my dad was drinking a lot. Those were unhappy times for her. I’m tearing up thinking about you.

I tell her that I regret that I made the same mistake dad did and I say that my wife wasn’t as forgiving as she was. She points out that you’re situation is different. You can support yourself. She would’ve done the same thing if she could have. The statement kind of blows me away because the period she is talking about perfectly coincides with my childhood. It’s almost like being able to see the forest for the trees for the first time. I’m the adult child of an alcoholic.

I’m starting to agree with Mickey.

So this just happened

My mom invited Barb over to tell her she wanted what is currently Ryan’s room, which is basically two connected bedrooms on the north side of the house. Currently, her room is the master bedroom, which is a large bedroom on the north side of the house complete with its own bathroom. My mom wants Ryan’s space because it doesn’t heat up during the day like the north-side bedrooms. Also, it would provide her enough personal space so she could feel like she has a little apartment of her own. The thing is that Barbie is really set on having that space for her and Rick for some reason. The problem is, Barb also told my mom Rick wants to watch the Yankee games in the living room. Bottom line, if my mom had to stay where she is, she would have no space of her own during the day when Barb is at work.

Anyway, my mom knocked on my door to tell me that Barb’s reaction was, “I’ll have to think about it.” Then my mom says to me, “So Kevin, would you be interested in renting an apartment with me?” I thought she was joking and I said, “I’m not looking to live with anybody.” At that, she burst out into tears and she started bawling that of course I don’t want to live with her because nobody wants to live with her. I mean, she was serious. Her Plan B was to live with me. Jesus.

What’s fucked us is that Barbie is totally breaking the deal. My parents were too retarded to get it in writing but the general understanding was that my dad would pay into the mortgage (which he did for 25 years) and in return they would get the house until they died and all that value would go to Barb and Barb alone. (Although, in truth, my dad actually stipulated that that value would go to the 3 youngest boys.) So Barbie is totally fucking my mom over showing up now saying, “this is my house and you’ll take what I give you.” The worst part is that my mom is so fucking wishy washy that she doesn’t argue.

Ugh! Now I feel guilty because I don’t want to live with her.

I went for a walk

Just got done with an 1 1/2 hour walk. I was listening to more of that book on self-discipline (SD). I really like his philosophy - at least I think it’s what I’ve needed for 20 years - even if he is kind of an ignorant moron. In the section I listened to, he talked a lot about the importance of taking responsibility.

First, why he’s an ignorant moron: He cited Bill Gates when talking about people who started out with nothing and rose to great heights. This is embarrassing. Bill Gates is a success because his mother made a phone call to the president of IBM. He also talked about how JD Rockefeller taught his children financial responsibility when talking about how leading a life of integrity also leads to success. Again, embarrassing and disgusting. JD Rockefeller proudly taught his children to be ruthless cut-throats. Fuck that guy. And then he wrapped up all this excrement by saying that occasionally corrupt individuals rise to the top of society, but they rarely stay and the American system makes it so that living life the right way is what leads to success.

That is, of course, complete horse shit. But the issue at hand is SD and one thing you have to give to assholes like Gates and Rockefeller is that they were/are disciplined individuals. And I think the author gets a lot of stuff right. Like, for example, at one point, he directs the audience to look around at their life and take responsibility for it because it is a reflection of your decisions and behavior. Of course, what is shitty about that is that I’m currently spending a lot of my time on a mattress on the floor of a little girl’s closet. Ugh.

What it really tells me is how talented and good looking I am. Because the thing is, for the most part, I’ve had a pretty good life despite the fact that I’ve had next to no self-discipline the entire time. I’ve just been floating around like a fucking leaf. What’s sad is to think about how things might have worked out if I had applied myself. Well shiiiit. I really want to apply myself now.

The gist of what I listened to was him talking about how you should give yourself no excuses. Whatever your life is like, it’s on you. That might not be true for everyone, I accept that it’s true for me. And I don’t know if I can fix the things I’ve fucked up. But I definitely have to learn to be happy with who I am. What I hope he eventually gets into is time management. I’m getting old and so I really need to prioritize my time going forward.

My priorities were SD, financial responsibility, and fitness. I’ve been working out twice a day without fail. These workouts are long and easy right now. I really want to avoid injury so I’m giving myself a long time to get back into shape. I will intensify the workouts as I progress. With regards to SD, I’ll continue with this ebook and with this blog and I will continue to be intentional with my decisions. Now for financial responsibility. I have to create this spreadsheet. I don’t want to do this. But I gotta have some self-discipline. Ugh.

Hopefully, a turning point

I have to say, I have felt a lot better since we talked yesterday. It’s amazing what a little communication can accomplish. I do worry, however, that our conversation didn’t actually solve anything. You act like me getting my own place will be good for our relationship. I don’t necessarily see it that way. Like I said, I came to my parent’s house to put my life on hold until we could work things out Me getting a place feels more like moving on, especially if you continue to refuse to acknowledge our relationship in front of the kids.

Anyway, I spent a few hours listening to that ebook on self discipline. I think I may have found my ALANON. So far, at least, the book is really speaking to me. To be sure, has it’s cheese. Like the line, “if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me,” which I don’t even hate to be honest. What I like about it is that it’s getting me to think about how I’ve been living my life and where these problems have been coming from. Just the idea that self-discipline is simply the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, regardless of if you want to or not. That’s such a simple concept but, without thinking about that, without intentionally having that very simple, obvious idea in the philosophy I’m using to live my life, it's been easy for me to come up with reasons to act differently.

And that’s when you begin to realize just how important that idea about self-discipline really is. The author says that there are other principles to being a successful person but, without self-discipline, none of them work. On the other hand, with self-discipline, they all work. And, just logically, it’s easy to see how that’s true because otherwise, you’re living like I’ve been living just doing whatever the hell you feel like doing in that moment and that’s a recipe for disaster.

I really do crave self-mastery. I want to be proud of who I am. Confident. Sexy. I’ve been under-achieving for too long and it’s time to change that. I need to develop consistent productive habits based on well-considered long-term thinking and I need to do my best to avoid excuses for failure.

I’m proud to say, I’ve already begun to take some small steps toward achieving this in some areas of my life. For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been exercising twice a day plus what I do with my mom. Next, I need to develop that financial spreadsheet to keep track of my finances. I'm going to work on that this weekend. If I keep doing these things and keep building on them, I feel like I can make some pretty significant improvements to “Kevin” in a relatively short time. We’ll see.

I'm sad today

I got high last night. Sorry, not sorry. It actually felt like the right thing to do. I was badgered (after several days of being hounded by your divorce lawyer) into signing the document that will end my 30 year relationship with you. Getting a little blasted seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Now I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “I knew it! He’s smoking weed again!” Wait ‘til you hear all the shit I got into afterward. I watched TV for a couple of hours and then went to bed. Maybe I’ll see a priest about that.

Now you’re texting me that you don’t want to get a divorce by you don’t know what else to do. Hmm. Hilarious. And I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, I stopped doing everything in trying to keep this relationship going and I literally haven’t heard from you until today when you responded to a call I initiated. (Oh, I take that back. You texted me yesterday, I’m assuming because your divorce lawyer was telling you I had to sign that document.)

Anyway, either you’re an absolute coward or a complete retard and I can’t decide which one is true. You’re either a coward because you won’t admit you just want to get rid of me or you’re a complete retard because you’re doing what you do again and over-reacting. If you are telling the truth, that is. I know you think my transgressions were SO frustrating and you HAD TO divorce me because I was SO insufferable. Why? I seriously don’t get it. Whatever I was doing that brought you to this point, I’m not doing it anymore and I haven’t done it in a long time. Why am I trying to convince you at this point. The bottom line is, you will live to regret this decision either way. I’m not saying that because I’m so great. I’m saying that because we’ve been a couple for more than half our lifetimes. We have wonderful children that we adore. We have a history - a very unique and intimate history. You think you’re going to just replace that? You’re a moron.

Anyway, I’ve been getting into this certain modern philosopher that talk a lot about finding ways to live a life that is positive and productive. He talks about how free will comes with responsibility and how it’s in that responsibility where we find the true meaning in life. It made me think about my responsibility as a father and, believe it or not, that gave my life very deep meaning. I do think that is at least in part why I’ve been such a fucking wreck. My kids have grown up and they’re living independent lives. Hell, they barely even reach out anymore. Thus, my life doesn’t mean as much anymore. I guess I need to find new meaning. I think what that is going to be is that I want to - and will - focus on myself for a while. Hell, I’m going to be in some depressing divorced guy apartment. Might as well work on myself.

I'm sorry I've sounded angry. But I'm really angry.

Yeah, so I’ve been getting emails from your divorce lawyer and now, today, you reached out for the first time because you wanted to make sure I signed those forms. This is so fucked up. I mean, we were getting along, everything was fine, then I realized I was doing all the work. I stopped and sure enough, I literally haven’t heard from you in a week. Now today, you’re so concerned about this form. Not to mention I told you I found that single’s account you’re trolling for guys on and the only response I got from you was a couple of question marks . . . didn’t even try to deny it.

Here’s the deal. Clearly you want out of this relationship. That’s fine. That’s your prerogative. But do not come crawling back to me crying about all the shit you put up with from me because, yeah, I checked out for a while - I’ll tell you this, though. It was never intentional and I never once gave up on us. That’s what you’ve done here with your fucking divorce lawyer and your dating profile.